Another Lonely Day

 “They say time will make all this go away,

But its time that has taken my tomorrows, and turned them into yesterday”

Ben Harper – Walk Away

I remember when my sister passed away for so long people said “Time will help” “Give it time, and you will feel better”. Time. Time. Time. Really?

It’s been almost 2 years since she “passed away” (there’s another thing. Why does everyone hate the word died or dead? To me, it is just the truth. Death sucks, no matter how you say it so why not call it what it is? An ugly, unfair test of life we all have to pass.). Two years and I don’t feel any better about it.

I think what people mean to say is “Time will make you numb”. To me, that is all it has done. I still miss her and think about her every day. Each time I think about her I could cry, and retreat to my peaceful solitude. It doesn’t make me feel any better about it. I just have become numb to the thought of her not being around.

Numb - deprived of feeling through cold, shock, etc.

Numb. Not better.

Yeah, okay I know there is a lot that can be said “Well Taylor, she is in a better place”, “Death doesn’t have to be ugly and unfair”, “Of course you will miss her, but time does make it easier”.

Now, don't take this rant the wrong way. I know she is in a better place, I never said I wanted her to come back and live in pain. I know death isn’t ugly or unfair for the person dying . . . the problem isn’t with the person who dies. It’s with the living. It is unfair and ugly for us. It always will be. Someone who was a part of your life is ripped away never again to be seen. 

Comeback: “They are still with you, just in a different way. She will always be with you.”

My response: “Bullshit.”

The truth is people come up with these “idealistic” responses because it makes them feel better to know they said something that just might make you feel better. When you lose an immediate family member, you hear all the lines in the book. F.Y.I. – none of them made me feel any better. I just learned to fake it until I wasn’t getting fed rehearsed lines anymore.

It may seem like I am feeling sorry for myself or throwing a “pity party” and you know what?

I am.

I get  sick and tired of being strong and putting on this show for people. I can feel like shit for however long I would like, be it 2 years or 20 years, because I lost my only sister and my best friend. I don’t need attention or “Sorry” and “It will be ok’s” from people, because it’s just more regurgitated lines. I think people emphasize moving on from the loss of a loved one too quickly.

So . . . for all of you who have lost someone, you don’t always need to be strong and act like life is back to normal. It will never be normal again. Ever.

Call me crazy, but to me that is NOT ok! I am not ok without her. I am a completely different person without her in my life and I can’t ever go back.

Yes, life moves on. We progress. If we didn’t? We would end up living on the street. Can’t have that. So we soldier on, fulfilling our day to day responsibilities to live the life we consider so precious.

Dramatic. Yup, I am. I will own that and by golly, I will own the fact that I am sad. Sad about losing the best person I had in my life.

So here’s to being sad, missing someone, and another lonely day.