Tuesday, November 29, 2011

guilty pleasures

"So the lion fell in love with the lamb."

"What a stupid lamb."

"What a sick, masochistic lion."

- Twilight

Breaking Dawn was marvelous.
As the credits rolled, I wished I could watch it on repeat for the rest of the weekend…

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

[ Alive & < Free ] Fallin'>

 It seems unreal. 2 years can feel so long – and the future can look infinite. Not a day goes by that I don’t carry you in my heart, and wish that we had more time together. Words can’t express how blessed I feel to have had you as a part of my life. I miss you, my very good friend.  Until the day we meet again, I’ll cherish the priceless memories of our glory days <3

I wish I had the words...

I miss you so very, very much... and I will never forget.

"Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."

"People come and
People go
They take and they give
Build you up
Just to let you down
That's just the way it is

All I need is one friend
To get me through the day
One friend
That never goes away
Only one friend
To understand
And never let me down"

Keb Mo - One friend


What pulls me…

Honesty. Sensitivity. Boldness. Warmth. Pride. Connection. Charm. Sparks. Open heart. KINDNESS when no one is looking. Bravery & Courage. Responsibility. Surprises. Comfortable silence. A reassuring hand gesture. Thoughtfulness. Knowing smiles. Security in the dark. A place in the back of your mind. Knowledge & Intelligence. A quit wit. Humor. Your laugh. Understanding. Remembering. Dominance. A slight submission.  Playful discussions. Meaningful Conversations. Likeability. Dependability. Heartbeats. Tired eyes. Fuzzy hair. Drunk smiles. My head on your chest. Deep stares and powerful glimpses. Calmness. Comfort. Control. Support. Excitement. Motivation. Inspiration.Movement. Faint tugs at my heart. The right words. Timing. Those “moments”.

Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile

I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms

But we don't need to rush this
Let's just take this slow

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
No I don't wanna mess this thing up

No I don't wanna push too far


I know it's time to leave,
But you'll be in my dreams,

- Lady Antebellum "Just a Kiss"

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

spin doctor

He shaved his head.

Ok, there are people in life.... some who can rock any hair cut, any hair color, any look, and pull it off without question. Then there are others….

The "others" CANNOT pull off any look, so they stick to what they know looks good on them. If they manage to grow the balls to change their look - everyone is usually shocked.

That is how I felt today when I seen #hotboss.

SO - I haven't really seen #hotboss around the office lately. He is busy running his plethora of departments, and I am happily content in my own world that no longer concerns him.

However, occasionally - obviously - I see him, or we have to talk business. I just saw him last Friday, with an issue. He flashed his adorable smile, and eagerly helped me with the problem... even taking out personal time at home to make sure that I got everything I needed.

Friday, he looked great.

Today he caught my eye 5 minutes before we closed...

Now, I didn't think this was even possible - but he looked phenomenal.

Tell me how the most gorgeous person I have ever met could actually look any better?

Well, he managed it.

Go figure.

He is just one of those guys - when he smiles at you, you find yourself blushing. It's almost like his deep brown eyes and charming delight have just made you feel special. As if you light up his life in some profound, intimate way. Like he is smiling through you.

Our circumstances suck. But he missed out on his chance with me, and I’m chalking it up to fate. There’s someone better out there for me. Waiting.

I just hope he can rock a shaved head like #hotboss J


Some random pictures I took a while ago, that I found on my computer...

Seems like waiting is the theme of my life right now lol. So many good things I have to look forward to, but the wait is getting to me! I am very impatient when it comes to most things - so waiting to hear back from employers, waiting to move, waiting to figure this thing out, and waiting to know what's going to happen is testing the most basic of virtues with me. I'll manage, it's a good wait, and very exciting. I just need to calm myself down, and leave it in the hands of the One who can make it all happen. I got faith in ya, big guy ;)

A not-so-exciting wait, that I'm dealing with, is that I couldn't see the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn - which sucked because I was on a midnight showing streak with the Twilight movies (excluding the first one). Everyone is talking about it. I don't want anything to ruin it for me! I hate spoilers! I have heard it was the best one thus far, and I'm bursting at the seams to get to the theatre. I'm waiting though, to see it until this weekend. I literally cannot WAIT. I have a really long weekend off, and I'm so eager to kick back and relax with good company, good food, and no real plans :)

Monday, November 21, 2011


You've got magic inside your finger tips...
its leaking out all over my skin.
- Colbie Callait "Magic"

So, I finally got the pictures back from the shoot last Sunday. I'll share a few sometime this week. Out of all of them, I think there's only one I really like. The photographer seemed to be extremely happy with them though, so I guess I gave him what he was looking for... and that's ultimately the point, right?

On another note, I had a great weekend. A ridiculously long skype date with my PIC from FL was just what I needed... even if it ended in with a dramatic blowout lol.

I'm so happy and filled with excitement right now, I can hardly contain it.

This is exactly what life should feel like.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

The events of November

It's been 2 and a half years since she was taken, and 2 years since she left.
When I think about putting hard, factual numbers on it… I find myself feeling stagnant. Heavy.

It doesn’t seem like a few years…

It feels like an eternity, and this time of year is internally difficult. In May of 2009, I didn’t think my life could plunge any deeper into the shadows… then November rolled around and showed me just how wrong I was.

I remember the phone call. I was driving home to spend a beautiful holiday on the east side with my family. I missed a ton of phone calls on the drive, avoiding talking whilst driving. I pulled into the driveway and before I even threw my car into park, my phone rang… again. I can remember thinking “What does she want so badly!?” I answered in a good mood, happy to have arrived at my destination:

“Hey, what’s up?!”

The response I got was a quick calm, carrying frantic undertones:

“…Are you still driving?”

“Nope! Just pulled into the driveway – I didn’t want to talk and drive; sorry I missed your calls”

The news came abruptly after my apology. I remember my mouth was heavy, words unable to be formed, once again my brain and body refused to believe what my head was hearing.

“Hello?” she asked.

The only thing I could manage was “I have to call you back.”

I remember the first phone call I made. It wasn’t a thought my brain processed. It was instinctual. Immediately I knew who I wanted, and needed to talk to. I was nervous she wouldn’t answer, but also nervous that she would… in fear that this nightmare would be established as my newfound reality.

She answered. I remember crying on the phone. Hard. I couldn’t even tell you how long I sat in my car that night with tears streaming down my face, soaking my t shirt. Looking back, I don't think I was crying for just one reason or another. I was crying for everything. I cried for her, and for her, and for everyone I knew and didn’t know. I cried for her family, for my sister, for myself, and for my family. Those past 6 months rushed over me and ripped out every ounce of strength I had left. I remember closing my eyes with my face pressed profoundly into the steering wheel. My body felt feeble and weak, my head and mind throbbed deliberately, and my heart ached.

You see, if you’ve ever experienced losing someone that means something to you, you know that feeling. Realizing your worst fear has come true, yet, something inside you, in the back of your mind, refuses to believe it. Death takes a while to set in and make itself comfortable. You deny, deny, deny, until you can’t anymore. That night in the car, I hurled past the denial stage. After May of 2009, my mind wouldn’t allow me to follow precepts and reject what was now the final catapult into a complete shutdown.

My friend, the first and only phone call I made that night, refers to it now as a blackout. I agree with her. The months that ensued, I remember in vague, distorted blobs. I remember songs I listened to, a cd that was made for me - that seemingly defines my life at the end of 2010. I remember my apartment, because I rarely left it. I remember being angry. Really angry. However, if you had asked me then – I meaningfully would have told you that I wasn’t. I remember fights and rage. Spending nights alone, sitting at my desk, listening to music that poured my heart into words I couldn’t come up with on my own. I remember abusing myself, placing my life on hold, and pathetically trying to prepare myself for a tainted, long future that was nothing like the one I had previously envisioned.

I like to think I put on a good show for everyone, though. My dad knew I was carrying anger around like a briefcase, long before I did. I faked smiles, and force fed everyone the rehearsed lines they were begging to hear. I thanked them for their kind words, all the while cussing them out in my head “Shut the fuck up. Don’t tell me you’re sorry. You don’t know. Don’t tell me you miss her. You don’t know what missing her even means. I miss her. I don’t need your bullshit and sympathy. I’m fine. Leave me alone.”

Truth was, I knew they were only doing what they could. What could they do? Nothing. No one can do anything. You have to wait, keep pressing forward, and hope that you can return to some form of normalcy. What they were all trying to do, was be there for me. I didn’t want anyone to be there, though. The people I wanted to be there for me were gone. I wanted my best friends back. I wanted my life back. The “normal” life I had before May of 2009.

I can’t remember exactly when the fog began to recede and I started emerging from the haze. A summer spent at home was vital to my recovery, my family remains my rock. I have come leaps and bounds from that time in my life, but not a single day goes by I don’t feel the inherent emptiness that sits in the pit of my stomach.  I yearn to hear their voices, for just one day to spend with either one of them. One day I will share more about my friendship with her, and the relationship I shared with my other, beautifully better half. For now, all I can share are these events of November, the way I remember them.

Friday, November 18, 2011

pick me, choose me

Envelop me with your words
Suck me in with your stare
surround me.
The thrill of the beginning
The exhilaration of a first touch
move me
Vanished in this dreamland
My reality departed
watch me

Too much, too soon
Just enough, at just the right time
want me

Don’t go anywhere
I’m not ready
touch me

Show me who you are
I want to see
take me
Fall for me
Like no one before
keep me
Stand beside me
Make me yours
love me

Thursday, November 17, 2011

enter at your own risk...

Oh, my mind is a haunting place to dwell.

Cracked doors and cobwebs.

Dark corners,
and the faint flicker of light in all the wrong places.
Crushed and broken,
born again and rebuilt.
A space that thrives
on secret dreams and aspirations.
What you covet most,
you receive an unsatisfying dose
then is snatched back,
to break you once more.
Lost and searching,
with nowhere to go.
Roaming hallways,
terrified to open those cracked doors.
Do not enter.
Endless and twisted.
Cracked doors and cobwebs.
My mind is a haunting place to dwell…

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

texas love

A few things that still linger in my memory...
Breathtaking scenes.

Here is your Daily Horoscope for Thursday, November 3:

Your dreaming life is even more important than usual today, so make sure that you're paying close attention and recording the details you can remember. They should be important clues today!

Rush of excitement
Warmth. In more ways than one.
Too much fun

Relaxing, lazy days

Feeling inspired.

His craziness.

Being there.

"Here's the Story of the Day:
travelling as fast in one direction as she can go before she has second thoughts & goes back to doing the same old stuff
- Brian Andreas"

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

happy accidents

I feel like lately I have alot going on in my life. It's exciting, yet exhausting.

I’ve come to a point in my life where, I’m *seriously* asking myself:
“What do you want?”
For those of you who know how indecisive I am – you can imagine my dilemma. After my vacation to Texas, it’s all I can think about. Especially considering that  2 days after I returned to Michigan we seen our first snow. I have been diligently working on moving.
I lay in bed last night, my mind unwilling to work with my body --  and asked myself what it was I really wanted. Did I want to be in Texas? Or am I just enamored with the idea of living in a warm state with an alive, thumping culture? Could I really move across the country by myself, with no family around for holidays and random weekend company?
I don’t have the answers, but I’m working on it. I said a prayer and will leave my fate for God to decide. As for now, I’m going to keep pushing forward and let this thing play out as his will desires.
Another happy accident in my life was this past Sunday. I attended my first “modeling” experience. It was about 45 minutes away, and it was particularly random. I wasn’t as nervous as I would have expected myself to be, the photographer and other models were very pleasant and friendly. I want to slap myself for not asking the woman who did my make-up what kind of foundation she used on me. It was dewy and perfect and I have no idea what it was. Anyways, it was a fun way to spend my Sunday morning – I should have some final shots to post within the week.
For now, here are a few I snapped with my phone...

Sunday morning

Life is good right now, and I’m passively feeling willing, ready and able to take on the world.

Monday, November 14, 2011

we found love in a hopeless place...


I'm obsessed.

But you all know this :)

It's like you're screaming, but no one can hear.
You almost feel ashamed,
that someone could that be that important,
that without them, you feel like nothing.
No one will ever understand how much it hurts.
You feel hopeless,
 like nothing can save you.
And when it's over, and it's gone,
you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back,
so that you could have the good.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

heartbeats at his feet

I work downtown.
There is a man who diligently walks his many dogs.
Either that or he is a professional dog-walker.
He walks big ones, and little ones.
I try to candidly -and quickly- pull out my phone each time he passes.
Sometimes I miss him.
But sometimes I catch him...

Friday, November 11, 2011

Days like this should last n’ last n’ last…..

So I have been back from vacation for a while now… It’s taken me so long to write this because I honestly don’t even know where to start.

Texas was just what I needed and so much more.
It was hands down, the best vacation of my life.

I would go into every amazing detail about the events of our trip from start to finish, but you were there, so I don’t need to….

Sunrise and Sunset thousands of miles in the air, a bear hug that required a full smile and my legs wrapped around you at the airport, You’re charm at La Tropicana, a long-out-of-the-way walk to lunch along the river, you’re hard stares from the doorway of the bathroom, our ENTIRE night at Dick’s,… but mainly you standing up for me when someone took it a step too far… twice. Thank you. The long, crazy, blurry, beautiful walk back to the hotel with stops at each bridge, rolling around in the sheets, our filthy dreams..."a dream within a dream", stealing your sleep in the morning… and breakfast J

The long drive back that didn’t feel long at all. Road Trip! Cute little green cacti and neon yellow trees. Junction, with its canyons and breathtaking river that you are required to let me experience… picnic and all J Resting my head in the car and not being able to sit still long enough to *actually* relax because I was so excited. The music you chose. Looking out into the mountains and witnessing hues of autumn that I didn’t know Texas was comprised of. Red on Red. Dry land, with dead black trees looking like something out of the Lion King. The red canvas of Texas that stole my heart on that drive.

“Watch me mind fuck him right now… no, I’m serious… watch.”

You’re friends and their each distinct, fun personalities. How each one brought a different vibe when we approached them, and how each was so different, yet equally enticing. Texas chocolate and Jack Link’s Jerky. Whataburger and BWW’s. Sambuka and Jager bombs… Peaches and Cream. Chain smoking. DEATH METAL. “She gave me a lap dance the whole ride home”, ideas of bacon wallpaper and perfume, and snorting cheeseburgers. Scrabble (you owe me a game) ---“SORRRRRRY!”- laughing until my stomach was sore and there were tears in my eyes- a very non impressive game of Scattergories, and a shared hatred for all those who like (aka win) at Skip-Bo and first person shooter games. I will remember allowing myself to fake delusional feelings for 5 days, and hold on to impossible hopes and fantasies while living in my dream world.

“Get off my yellow’s NUTS!”

“m---yeah…. I would eat a human.” * guilty smirk* J

Always being on the same. exact. page.

Early mornings, and late nights. Sunday morning on the patio, with the dry heat of Texas and the impossibly huge Texas sun pounding gently on my skin, watching you as you walked over to me and wrapped your arms around my body. A perfect fit. Leaning my head back onto your chest with closed eyes and stopping time for a magical, unrealistically perfect moment.

Boats n Hoes. Someone Like you. Irish punk. Classic Rock. Weezer. Hallelujah. Everlast. Ice, Ice Baby. Pardon me. “--Oh shit, shake that ass…. “. ... I just died in your arms tonight.

Thursday, November 10, 2011


yup. geek.

DIY hoodie to support my cousins :) It was too big and awkward so I chopped it up. Love it!

Feather earring.

I've been hooooooooked on dubstep lately. yeahhhh boy.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Wiccy Magic Muscles

It’s spicy and warm and oh so handy.
It melts easily, as most Lush massage bars and melts do… but I think that makes it nice for when you’re using it. A lot goes a long way, so to speak.
I don’t notice that it helps “sore muscles”, per say… but the smell, and the feel of the oils makes this a nice treat when you’re exhausted. I don’t notice that it “cakes” and “peels” like some lotions when you use a lot of it.
The smell is the seller for me on this one. It kind of reminds me of glogg, with the cinnamony scent. It’s definitely a warmer scent, perfect for the upcoming chilly months. Mine has lasted me since last year around this time, I don’t use it allllll the time, but for as melty as they are… they seem to last a long while.
This also has medium sized “beans” it in – I think those are for the tired muscles sell-off of this particular bar. I have read some people don’t like them, and think they hurt…. But I can’t even tell they’re there. As the bar wears down, the beans fall out and you can feel them more. They're manageable. I had no quams with pain or a mess because of the beans.
Sidenote: Over the summer I put this massage bar in the fridge to keep it preserved while I used others. It didn’t seem to damage it, but a cold massage bar was definitely a bad idea! LOL.
Overall, this massage bar is one of my favorites. If you’ve gotten any from Lush you’ll know that a lot of them smell the same (not all, I have a few other favorites too J). Gross. But this is different and perfect for the cold winter nights

Also - I definitely recommend getting something to store your massage bars in. It doesn't have to be the container Lush sells, just something because they are so melty... and the bag won't last long!

(Chico thought he had to help me set up the shot. LOL)

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

hope and glory

Kate for Vogue UK, October 2008

Love her. Love this.
You know something it's great when you can look at something 3 years later and still love it!
I want all of this.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Snow Globe

Whew! This will definitely wake you up.
Very citrusy (grapefruit oil), it’s not a warming soap (like glogg).
Personally, it’s just too “wide awake” for my taste in scents… it works well, as all Lush soaps do – and I adore the way it looks…
It did leave me feeling a bit dry – again, most Lush soaps do. I didn’t find it any worse or better (moisturizing) than the majority of the soaps I’ve tried from Lush.
It’s not that I’m against citrus smelling soaps, either. I absolutely LOVE the Mandarin Tea Party soap they offered last year (sad to see, it is not available this year – yet at leastL). This is just a bit too “fresh”.
I got this last year around Christmas time, and I still haven’t used it all. I just don’t find myself reaching for it. BUT – if you like the scent, I could see how someone would enjoy this soap.
They brought Snow Globe back this year for the holiday season, costing around $8 for 3.5 ounces.
Personally, I would spend my money elsewhere…

Sunday, November 6, 2011


I wish my heart was void.
Void of all sentiment.
Something, anything, to help me run.
Run hard and run fast;
Don’t turn back.
I feel too much.
Too strong.
Too heavy.
Run around,
The clock ticks
Only time will tell
Wrong again.
We call the shots.
I wish my heart was void.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Friday, November 4, 2011

powerful stuff.

I know she is gone.
It hurts that she went away,

she said,
but you’re still here.

gone before I woke

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Winter Bath

So real quick I wanted to review this bath bomb...

Winter Bath - Christmas 2010

I stocked up on these last year, because they were on super sale so how could I resist, right?

While the colors aren't fascinating, and the smell isn't otherworldy... I like this bath bomb for one reason only.

It's GREAT when you're sick.

I can't remember exactly what's in it - but it smells like Vicks vapor rub... and works like a charm to open up sinuses and drain those runny noses.

It doesn't simmer away quickly, and would be a great bomb to put in a humidifier/vaporizer when feeling under the weather.

I don't see that Lush has brought it back this year... people must not be into Vicks vapor rub baths :) But they have lots of other goodies I'm excited to try, and a few staples I fell in love with last year and need to restock!

Drama Queen

She responds with quick wit and a hasty tone, giving up. She says the words that materialize in her brain, unwilling to entertain a second thought. This dialogue is engrained into her foundation like breathing. No holds barred, she subconsciously thinks… as word by word she lays out her truth.

She hears with an open mind and a sensitive soul, guard up. She listens, realizing her guard never was up. The silence is thunderous, but the words are deafening. Each line, strikes like peculiar shock therapy. She opens her arms, in a welcoming embrace.
She can taste the bitter reaction. It’s bland, yet disgusting. It stains her mouth with the same disposition from where it emerged. With a tint of frustration, anger, irritation, and hopelessness… just keep moving. The aftertaste won’t last long.
She watches, concretely engaged, the battle as it extends into a blurry realm. A mislaid road. A route that is indistinguishable from the fog. She speaks it, hears it, sees it, yet she still doesn’t believe it.
She touches it. Her eyes, ears, and mouth are now forced to believe it. You see, it’s real now. It is done. While her body awkwardly absorbs this clearly projected new reality, her brain scatters, unwavering. The questions roll into her head like the billowing clouds of a dark, endless storm. She gets lost, roaming until she can find her way back.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

shall we dance?

For me, there is nothing more irritating than not getting what I want.

Call it spoiled, whatever... there are very few times when I absolutely cannot have what I want.

This is when I hurl myself into minor, but dramatic tantrums.

Let’s take right now for example:

Right now, at this specific point I hold a few frustrations with not one – but TWO – people who are hovering around in my life.

The first is #hotboss… if you read my “P.S. I love you” post, you’ll get to hear a fragment of our previous “relationship” (I use the word very loosely).  After the “incident”, he has been extremely stand off-ish in a completely “normal” way. He talks work with me – as needed, work, business, yet ignored my invite to a movie. After I asked, very casually…. I decided the road best taken would be to take none at all. I have simply stopped trying. This, for me, is frustrating. It’s not often I don’t get what I want. But with him? I don’t even get the opportunity to TRY. It’s horribly maddening… and #hotboss has now become #unattainableignorantboss J

I would still give anything at a shot to see where a date or two may take us… but I’ve just switched up my game. I’m calling it ‘hard to get’ ;)
Which leads me riiiight into my next minor dilemna. #boytoy.

Oh #boytoy….
Why are you the way you are?
How is it even possible?
So smooth. SO good.
Quite sickening, really.
Perfectly rehearsed lines, and feeding me heaping spoonfuls of your bullshit…
You must not have heard me when I first told you-


So shall we play a small game to get us through this predicament?

… my newest game.

and I refuse to lose.

writers block

Words fill my head loudly, she said, but my hands won’t help me put them on display.