Thursday, December 29, 2011


Front row.

Everything is dark.

In front of me, I see a huge black platform.

A stage.

I can feel a body, strong and sturdy behind me. Embracing the relaxed stance; my mind buzzing and my head bobbling, the body behind me is also relaxed, yet I can sense that this body is also keeping a safeguard over me.

Completely oblivious to my surroundings, I feel safe in these arms… lean forward, grabbing the bar in front of the stage; I push my ass into the crotch of my bodyguard and hang my head forward.






The bass drops.

When the beat drops, the stage lights up, bright white lights.

Neon Purple beams of light follow. They seem to be everywhere, the fog looks purple, and everyone is going nuts. The crowd turns from an anxious, hollering, excited group of people... to a raging, mindless, mob of dance crazed fans. My bodyguard holds me closer and I throw my head back.
It's not long before I'm sweaty, lost within myself - and the one who's at my back. After a few sick drops from the DJ, I'm completely entranced.

The music is so loud.

Every time the bass hits I feel it through my entire body.

I relish in these moments.

Dub-step baby….

Welcome to the mad house J

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

my last

big ass bottles, big ice buckets
I work too hard to be ballin' on a budget
Me and my people do it big out in public
cuz if you don't do it big, bitch you ain't doin nothin

haha. OW!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

stand tall

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Mine was absolutely fantastic! I got to spend time with my family without making the drive home, which was nice. I even got spoiled with a few special presents! I couldn't believe it. I absolutely love my life, the people in it, and I can't wait for the New Year!!

I'm still working on a New Years resolution....

Anyways, here are a few pics from a "somewhat" recent trip back to my hometown.

The guy pictured was my sisters fiance...

I love my pride shirt that I made :)
I'll have to post the back of it for you... talk about sexy!

Friday, December 23, 2011

*dime piece*

I’ve gotten my motivation back!
Workin’ on my fitness ;)
In the past, my workouts usually consisted of stretching and running… with no real weight training.
I have realized though, that weight training is necessary in order to really get the muscle definition I want.
… and it’s kicking my ass!!
Deadlifts and Squats are my biggest adversaries at this point. My entire body is sore, and while it makes the most simple of tasks excruciatingly painful – I love it. That’s how I know I’m kicking ass and just that much closer to where I want to be.
I actually consider myself quite blessed - I love my body, and I especially love it when I put a little work into it! I’m well proportioned, and not to sound cocky, but I look damn good J
Nothing comes without work though, and finding the motivation after working a full time job amongst other things and maintaining a social life, is usually the hardest part for me. Sometimes you just want to be lazy, ya know!
And sometimes I allow myself a break, and just veg out and enjoy life….
But for now, I’m in the mindset, and I’m stoked about my results.
 I don't want a "6-pack" or anything - as I actually find that gross on women. I just want definition, and a lean body that looks stellar in a bikini! Like... dancers, and swimmers lol. Slowly but surely, I'll get where I wanna be!

Also… I have a secret I’m going to share with you soon. I have a new workout (besides the weight training)…. And it is the SHIT!

Also - I've been slacking on posts - I know. Very busy with the holidays and everything else going on! Lots to do... but I promise soon I'll be posting more frequently.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

A Beautiful Beast

I can’t wait to start my new job.
I’m to the point, where I despise seeing or talking to #hotboss.
Before he left work today for his holiday vacation, wearing his adorable brown doc martens, clean but comfortable jeans, and cute blue collared shirt covered by a warm yet “manly” sweater/jacket – he came into my office and we got to chatting about work things. As the subject veered away from “the job”, he nonchalantly goes:
“Did I tell you I got a dog?”
Not expecting casual conversation… my response was awkward,
“Uh, no! You didn’t…”
He proceeds to move his gaze to his iphone and start scrolling away. I knew he was about to show me pictures, and my stomach was JUMPING to see what kind of a dog he chose to call his own.
Now – I should stop here and explain something…. I have always been a firm believer that people are*usually* similar to the type of dog they prefer, and the type of dog they choose to own and take care of. This isn’t always true; I have known people to be nothing like the dogs they own (ex. An ill tempered woman, who owns a well mannered, loving pitbull = to every rule there are exceptions).
Needless to say, I think there is something to be said about the type of dog a person chooses to own….
And I literally was so curious, I was sick. (Ok, a bit dramatic, but still).
He had mentioned (when we were still “acquaintances”), that he wanted to get a dog. I remember it because I (silently) thought “I hope I am around when you get a dog”. One thing to know about me is that I absolutely love dogs. Most animals for that matter, but especially man’s best friend.
SOOO – back to the point.
#hotboss and his new best friend.
While he searches for the picture I ask where he got the dog.
“I got him from a rescue. He’s a year old in January. .. January 5th…. I made up his birthday, since the shelter didn’t know when it was.” *smiles*
You all know what that smile does to me….
He then proceeds to flip the iphone housed in a metallic blue case around for me to see the picture and says,
“This is Echo”
My stare uncomfortably slinks down to take a look…..
It’s a Husky.
A beautiful, young, perfectly marked Husky.
It would be.
Probably the most beautiful dog on the planet – and the gorgeous, man of my dreams has one.
Thinking about it now, I wouldn’t imagine him to have chosen anything else.
He’s fucking beautiful…. And so is his dog.
I hate it here.

P.S. That was officially the last time I will see #hotboss.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

where I stood.

Sometimes love isn’t black and white.

I've had my fair share of relationships. Some were beautiful, and others were short lived and ultimately meaningless.

I've learned something from every single one of them, though... and I suppose that is the best thing one can hope to walk away with when it comes to a "past relationship".

Now, there is nothing I hate more than a liar. If you get cheated on, sure it hurts and makes you sick to the very pit of your insides – but if they are honest about it, I can respect that. However, when someone lies to your face? It’s simply insulting.

The nice thing is, liars always get caught.

My hatred for the cowards that refuse to speak the truth may come from my past… having been lied to several times. With that, I am, by no means, a “sucker”, nor was I blinded by love. Each time, in the back of my mind – I think I knew what was going on. Instinct tells you what feels right, and what doesn’t. It's an instinct we all possess – It’s just a matter of whether we decide to listen or not. Sometimes our heart is filled with a desire to block the truth out, while other times, it’s simply easier not to deal with the issue that’s staring you in the face.
But ignoring the issue simply isn’t worth it.
When you’re able to step outside the web of deceit, and look at situations with an open, unbiased, clear mind… the decisions and actions may not be easy, but they are inevitably necessary, and when the hazy delusions of love escape your soul – it is such a liberating feeling.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.- 1 Corinthians 13

Don’t get me wrong… everyone I have dated hasn’t “screwed me over”, and I am not bitter in any way towards any of my ex’s. I continue friendships, and keep in contact with them all.
Some of my relationships just simply weren't "right". And there is nothing wrong with realizing and accepting that, then moving on.

At this point in my life, I am content with being alone and I have never been so happy in my life.
I am free to choose.
I am free to love myself.
While there may not be such thing as a “perfect love” on this earth, I know what feels right, and what doesn’t…. and I choose to keep my heart open until I find it.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Smoke billows
Clouds curl
Dark and beautiful
Chasing the elusive precept
Uncontrolled simplicity
A captivating trance

Before sleep,
The disarray swirls
A classic warfare
Caught in the middle
Until the smoke fades
And the clouds roll out of sight

Monday, December 12, 2011

live life hard.


My life has been so crazy the past few weeks... hence the lack of posting.

I fell in love with Texas and have been working my hardest to get there.

This past weekend, after 2 phone interviews and a face to face with the Ops Manager of Michigan, the company flew me out, put me in a hotel, and finally offered me the job.

I couldn’t be more excited! It is such a great opportunity and my boss is amazing.

I just hope I like it, once I get there and the dream becomes a reality...

Lots of work to do… but I am excited, and once my life regulates itself a little bit – I will be back to posting as usual J


Early flight out of Michigan

Chicago was BEAUTIFUL

First sighting!

First landing in my new hometown!

Texas was sad to see me go...

That Texas sky...

Hello, Dallas

mmm the Texas sun. (Landing in Dallas)

Dallas airport. Ridiculous!

Huge badass poster at Chicago O Hare

Friday, December 2, 2011

A Child Called "It"

A Child Called “It”

By David Pelzer

Don’t even bother reading this review. Just get the book and sit down with it.

It is absolutely captivating. Everyone should read this.

So, if you read my last blog… I touched on the idea of words.

This book made me realize just how little words can truly express meaning if you’ve never experienced them in such context.

As I write this, my mind cannot grasp the best way to expound the magnitude of this story.

The book portrays the true story of David Pelzer’s life from the delicate ages of 4-12.

A drunk, enraged, pathetic, psychopathic mother who abuses him.

Abuse:  the physical, psychological, or sexual maltreatment of a person or animal.

Not the right word.

Not even close.

The “games” (as David refers to them in the book) that his mother plays, extend far beyond abuse. In the beginning, he feels his father may offer some hope and help. Quickly, David realizes he is alone in the helpless battle as his father, his hero, looks on and does nothing.

David uses words like: FEAR, Pain, Hunger, Cold, Food, Sleep, Exhausted, Weak, Alone.

No words will be able to express the real feelings he suffered. His feelings. What it really feels like to be so hungry, that as you take the garbage out at night you’re willing wipe cigarette ashes off the few salvageable bites of food you can find and scarf them down, … only to get caught and be “punished”. Or to eat out of the dog’s dish, after they get their fill. To not be allowed to sit or sleep, but merely allowed only to stand, alone in the basement – while the rest of your “family” eats dinner together upstairs at the table. To be so scared,… that you actually do stand. Even if it means you go to the bathroom as you hold your position.

Words can’t justify stories like this.

I can’t tell you about the "games", you know I will leave that for you to read. But I can tell you that my heart aches for children around the world living a similar story RIGHT NOW, as we go on about our daily lives, fat and happy.

Weakly put, it’s not fair. I will never, ever, be able to understand how someone could do that to their child. Your baby. To treat him as a slave. To not allow him clothes, or force him to wear the same tattered, dirty outfit every day to school. To not feed your child when he is hungry, or not offer him your embrace when he is sad, hurt, frightened, or lonely. It is a concept that erupts the purest form of rage within the bottom of my very being.

The things I take away from this book are Hope…and the strength of our minds. How far Hope and Faith can carry us. The notion that, however obvious or obscure: God will always prevail.

I say a special prayer for those who work diligently to fight for these children and save the lives of those tragically born into such a cruel life that no one deserves. For the victims who rise, and continue holding on to that shred of light, even when it seems so far out of reach. For the bodies that take a stand when they see something that isn’t right. For those who stood up for David, and saved his life.


“That day I vowed to myself that I would never, ever again give that bitch the satisfaction of hearing me beg her to stop beating me.”

“Layers of flesh were scraped away, while remaining parts were red and raw. I stood, staring into the sink, feeling how lucky I was to be alive.”

“With no dreams, I found words like hope and faith were only letters, randomly put together into something meaningless – words only for fairytales.”

“Inside, my soul became so cold I hated everything. I even despised the sun, for I knew I would never be able to play in its warm presence.”

“Mother’s words were no longer coming from the booze; they were coming from her heart.”

“… I bowed my head and with peace in my heart, I whispered, “… and deliver me from evil.” “Amen.””

Thursday, December 1, 2011

more than words



Are words really just words?

-    Honesty

-    Trust

-    Integrity

Is it how you choose to arrange them? Is it the context in which you decide to use them? or is it to whom you are speaking when you choose those words… that makes them significant?


There are all different types of them.

There is usually one similarity between them, though… they always believe that those they lie to won’t find out they’re full of shit.

Brutally shameless,

and selfish.

Fucking cowards.

Truth is,

You never really know someone.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

guilty pleasures

"So the lion fell in love with the lamb."

"What a stupid lamb."

"What a sick, masochistic lion."

- Twilight

Breaking Dawn was marvelous.
As the credits rolled, I wished I could watch it on repeat for the rest of the weekend…

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

[ Alive & < Free ] Fallin'>

 It seems unreal. 2 years can feel so long – and the future can look infinite. Not a day goes by that I don’t carry you in my heart, and wish that we had more time together. Words can’t express how blessed I feel to have had you as a part of my life. I miss you, my very good friend.  Until the day we meet again, I’ll cherish the priceless memories of our glory days <3

I wish I had the words...

I miss you so very, very much... and I will never forget.

"Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."

"People come and
People go
They take and they give
Build you up
Just to let you down
That's just the way it is

All I need is one friend
To get me through the day
One friend
That never goes away
Only one friend
To understand
And never let me down"

Keb Mo - One friend


What pulls me…

Honesty. Sensitivity. Boldness. Warmth. Pride. Connection. Charm. Sparks. Open heart. KINDNESS when no one is looking. Bravery & Courage. Responsibility. Surprises. Comfortable silence. A reassuring hand gesture. Thoughtfulness. Knowing smiles. Security in the dark. A place in the back of your mind. Knowledge & Intelligence. A quit wit. Humor. Your laugh. Understanding. Remembering. Dominance. A slight submission.  Playful discussions. Meaningful Conversations. Likeability. Dependability. Heartbeats. Tired eyes. Fuzzy hair. Drunk smiles. My head on your chest. Deep stares and powerful glimpses. Calmness. Comfort. Control. Support. Excitement. Motivation. Inspiration.Movement. Faint tugs at my heart. The right words. Timing. Those “moments”.

Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile

I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms

But we don't need to rush this
Let's just take this slow

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
No I don't wanna mess this thing up

No I don't wanna push too far


I know it's time to leave,
But you'll be in my dreams,

- Lady Antebellum "Just a Kiss"

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

spin doctor

He shaved his head.

Ok, there are people in life.... some who can rock any hair cut, any hair color, any look, and pull it off without question. Then there are others….

The "others" CANNOT pull off any look, so they stick to what they know looks good on them. If they manage to grow the balls to change their look - everyone is usually shocked.

That is how I felt today when I seen #hotboss.

SO - I haven't really seen #hotboss around the office lately. He is busy running his plethora of departments, and I am happily content in my own world that no longer concerns him.

However, occasionally - obviously - I see him, or we have to talk business. I just saw him last Friday, with an issue. He flashed his adorable smile, and eagerly helped me with the problem... even taking out personal time at home to make sure that I got everything I needed.

Friday, he looked great.

Today he caught my eye 5 minutes before we closed...

Now, I didn't think this was even possible - but he looked phenomenal.

Tell me how the most gorgeous person I have ever met could actually look any better?

Well, he managed it.

Go figure.

He is just one of those guys - when he smiles at you, you find yourself blushing. It's almost like his deep brown eyes and charming delight have just made you feel special. As if you light up his life in some profound, intimate way. Like he is smiling through you.

Our circumstances suck. But he missed out on his chance with me, and I’m chalking it up to fate. There’s someone better out there for me. Waiting.

I just hope he can rock a shaved head like #hotboss J


Some random pictures I took a while ago, that I found on my computer...

Seems like waiting is the theme of my life right now lol. So many good things I have to look forward to, but the wait is getting to me! I am very impatient when it comes to most things - so waiting to hear back from employers, waiting to move, waiting to figure this thing out, and waiting to know what's going to happen is testing the most basic of virtues with me. I'll manage, it's a good wait, and very exciting. I just need to calm myself down, and leave it in the hands of the One who can make it all happen. I got faith in ya, big guy ;)

A not-so-exciting wait, that I'm dealing with, is that I couldn't see the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn - which sucked because I was on a midnight showing streak with the Twilight movies (excluding the first one). Everyone is talking about it. I don't want anything to ruin it for me! I hate spoilers! I have heard it was the best one thus far, and I'm bursting at the seams to get to the theatre. I'm waiting though, to see it until this weekend. I literally cannot WAIT. I have a really long weekend off, and I'm so eager to kick back and relax with good company, good food, and no real plans :)

Monday, November 21, 2011


You've got magic inside your finger tips...
its leaking out all over my skin.
- Colbie Callait "Magic"

So, I finally got the pictures back from the shoot last Sunday. I'll share a few sometime this week. Out of all of them, I think there's only one I really like. The photographer seemed to be extremely happy with them though, so I guess I gave him what he was looking for... and that's ultimately the point, right?

On another note, I had a great weekend. A ridiculously long skype date with my PIC from FL was just what I needed... even if it ended in with a dramatic blowout lol.

I'm so happy and filled with excitement right now, I can hardly contain it.

This is exactly what life should feel like.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

The events of November

It's been 2 and a half years since she was taken, and 2 years since she left.
When I think about putting hard, factual numbers on it… I find myself feeling stagnant. Heavy.

It doesn’t seem like a few years…

It feels like an eternity, and this time of year is internally difficult. In May of 2009, I didn’t think my life could plunge any deeper into the shadows… then November rolled around and showed me just how wrong I was.

I remember the phone call. I was driving home to spend a beautiful holiday on the east side with my family. I missed a ton of phone calls on the drive, avoiding talking whilst driving. I pulled into the driveway and before I even threw my car into park, my phone rang… again. I can remember thinking “What does she want so badly!?” I answered in a good mood, happy to have arrived at my destination:

“Hey, what’s up?!”

The response I got was a quick calm, carrying frantic undertones:

“…Are you still driving?”

“Nope! Just pulled into the driveway – I didn’t want to talk and drive; sorry I missed your calls”

The news came abruptly after my apology. I remember my mouth was heavy, words unable to be formed, once again my brain and body refused to believe what my head was hearing.

“Hello?” she asked.

The only thing I could manage was “I have to call you back.”

I remember the first phone call I made. It wasn’t a thought my brain processed. It was instinctual. Immediately I knew who I wanted, and needed to talk to. I was nervous she wouldn’t answer, but also nervous that she would… in fear that this nightmare would be established as my newfound reality.

She answered. I remember crying on the phone. Hard. I couldn’t even tell you how long I sat in my car that night with tears streaming down my face, soaking my t shirt. Looking back, I don't think I was crying for just one reason or another. I was crying for everything. I cried for her, and for her, and for everyone I knew and didn’t know. I cried for her family, for my sister, for myself, and for my family. Those past 6 months rushed over me and ripped out every ounce of strength I had left. I remember closing my eyes with my face pressed profoundly into the steering wheel. My body felt feeble and weak, my head and mind throbbed deliberately, and my heart ached.

You see, if you’ve ever experienced losing someone that means something to you, you know that feeling. Realizing your worst fear has come true, yet, something inside you, in the back of your mind, refuses to believe it. Death takes a while to set in and make itself comfortable. You deny, deny, deny, until you can’t anymore. That night in the car, I hurled past the denial stage. After May of 2009, my mind wouldn’t allow me to follow precepts and reject what was now the final catapult into a complete shutdown.

My friend, the first and only phone call I made that night, refers to it now as a blackout. I agree with her. The months that ensued, I remember in vague, distorted blobs. I remember songs I listened to, a cd that was made for me - that seemingly defines my life at the end of 2010. I remember my apartment, because I rarely left it. I remember being angry. Really angry. However, if you had asked me then – I meaningfully would have told you that I wasn’t. I remember fights and rage. Spending nights alone, sitting at my desk, listening to music that poured my heart into words I couldn’t come up with on my own. I remember abusing myself, placing my life on hold, and pathetically trying to prepare myself for a tainted, long future that was nothing like the one I had previously envisioned.

I like to think I put on a good show for everyone, though. My dad knew I was carrying anger around like a briefcase, long before I did. I faked smiles, and force fed everyone the rehearsed lines they were begging to hear. I thanked them for their kind words, all the while cussing them out in my head “Shut the fuck up. Don’t tell me you’re sorry. You don’t know. Don’t tell me you miss her. You don’t know what missing her even means. I miss her. I don’t need your bullshit and sympathy. I’m fine. Leave me alone.”

Truth was, I knew they were only doing what they could. What could they do? Nothing. No one can do anything. You have to wait, keep pressing forward, and hope that you can return to some form of normalcy. What they were all trying to do, was be there for me. I didn’t want anyone to be there, though. The people I wanted to be there for me were gone. I wanted my best friends back. I wanted my life back. The “normal” life I had before May of 2009.

I can’t remember exactly when the fog began to recede and I started emerging from the haze. A summer spent at home was vital to my recovery, my family remains my rock. I have come leaps and bounds from that time in my life, but not a single day goes by I don’t feel the inherent emptiness that sits in the pit of my stomach.  I yearn to hear their voices, for just one day to spend with either one of them. One day I will share more about my friendship with her, and the relationship I shared with my other, beautifully better half. For now, all I can share are these events of November, the way I remember them.

Friday, November 18, 2011

pick me, choose me

Envelop me with your words
Suck me in with your stare
surround me.
The thrill of the beginning
The exhilaration of a first touch
move me
Vanished in this dreamland
My reality departed
watch me

Too much, too soon
Just enough, at just the right time
want me

Don’t go anywhere
I’m not ready
touch me

Show me who you are
I want to see
take me
Fall for me
Like no one before
keep me
Stand beside me
Make me yours
love me

Thursday, November 17, 2011

enter at your own risk...

Oh, my mind is a haunting place to dwell.

Cracked doors and cobwebs.

Dark corners,
and the faint flicker of light in all the wrong places.
Crushed and broken,
born again and rebuilt.
A space that thrives
on secret dreams and aspirations.
What you covet most,
you receive an unsatisfying dose
then is snatched back,
to break you once more.
Lost and searching,
with nowhere to go.
Roaming hallways,
terrified to open those cracked doors.
Do not enter.
Endless and twisted.
Cracked doors and cobwebs.
My mind is a haunting place to dwell…