Thursday, December 29, 2011


Front row.

Everything is dark.

In front of me, I see a huge black platform.

A stage.

I can feel a body, strong and sturdy behind me. Embracing the relaxed stance; my mind buzzing and my head bobbling, the body behind me is also relaxed, yet I can sense that this body is also keeping a safeguard over me.

Completely oblivious to my surroundings, I feel safe in these arms… lean forward, grabbing the bar in front of the stage; I push my ass into the crotch of my bodyguard and hang my head forward.






The bass drops.

When the beat drops, the stage lights up, bright white lights.

Neon Purple beams of light follow. They seem to be everywhere, the fog looks purple, and everyone is going nuts. The crowd turns from an anxious, hollering, excited group of people... to a raging, mindless, mob of dance crazed fans. My bodyguard holds me closer and I throw my head back.
It's not long before I'm sweaty, lost within myself - and the one who's at my back. After a few sick drops from the DJ, I'm completely entranced.

The music is so loud.

Every time the bass hits I feel it through my entire body.

I relish in these moments.

Dub-step baby….

Welcome to the mad house J

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

my last

big ass bottles, big ice buckets
I work too hard to be ballin' on a budget
Me and my people do it big out in public
cuz if you don't do it big, bitch you ain't doin nothin

haha. OW!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

stand tall

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Mine was absolutely fantastic! I got to spend time with my family without making the drive home, which was nice. I even got spoiled with a few special presents! I couldn't believe it. I absolutely love my life, the people in it, and I can't wait for the New Year!!

I'm still working on a New Years resolution....

Anyways, here are a few pics from a "somewhat" recent trip back to my hometown.

The guy pictured was my sisters fiance...

I love my pride shirt that I made :)
I'll have to post the back of it for you... talk about sexy!

Friday, December 23, 2011

*dime piece*

I’ve gotten my motivation back!
Workin’ on my fitness ;)
In the past, my workouts usually consisted of stretching and running… with no real weight training.
I have realized though, that weight training is necessary in order to really get the muscle definition I want.
… and it’s kicking my ass!!
Deadlifts and Squats are my biggest adversaries at this point. My entire body is sore, and while it makes the most simple of tasks excruciatingly painful – I love it. That’s how I know I’m kicking ass and just that much closer to where I want to be.
I actually consider myself quite blessed - I love my body, and I especially love it when I put a little work into it! I’m well proportioned, and not to sound cocky, but I look damn good J
Nothing comes without work though, and finding the motivation after working a full time job amongst other things and maintaining a social life, is usually the hardest part for me. Sometimes you just want to be lazy, ya know!
And sometimes I allow myself a break, and just veg out and enjoy life….
But for now, I’m in the mindset, and I’m stoked about my results.
 I don't want a "6-pack" or anything - as I actually find that gross on women. I just want definition, and a lean body that looks stellar in a bikini! Like... dancers, and swimmers lol. Slowly but surely, I'll get where I wanna be!

Also… I have a secret I’m going to share with you soon. I have a new workout (besides the weight training)…. And it is the SHIT!

Also - I've been slacking on posts - I know. Very busy with the holidays and everything else going on! Lots to do... but I promise soon I'll be posting more frequently.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

A Beautiful Beast

I can’t wait to start my new job.
I’m to the point, where I despise seeing or talking to #hotboss.
Before he left work today for his holiday vacation, wearing his adorable brown doc martens, clean but comfortable jeans, and cute blue collared shirt covered by a warm yet “manly” sweater/jacket – he came into my office and we got to chatting about work things. As the subject veered away from “the job”, he nonchalantly goes:
“Did I tell you I got a dog?”
Not expecting casual conversation… my response was awkward,
“Uh, no! You didn’t…”
He proceeds to move his gaze to his iphone and start scrolling away. I knew he was about to show me pictures, and my stomach was JUMPING to see what kind of a dog he chose to call his own.
Now – I should stop here and explain something…. I have always been a firm believer that people are*usually* similar to the type of dog they prefer, and the type of dog they choose to own and take care of. This isn’t always true; I have known people to be nothing like the dogs they own (ex. An ill tempered woman, who owns a well mannered, loving pitbull = to every rule there are exceptions).
Needless to say, I think there is something to be said about the type of dog a person chooses to own….
And I literally was so curious, I was sick. (Ok, a bit dramatic, but still).
He had mentioned (when we were still “acquaintances”), that he wanted to get a dog. I remember it because I (silently) thought “I hope I am around when you get a dog”. One thing to know about me is that I absolutely love dogs. Most animals for that matter, but especially man’s best friend.
SOOO – back to the point.
#hotboss and his new best friend.
While he searches for the picture I ask where he got the dog.
“I got him from a rescue. He’s a year old in January. .. January 5th…. I made up his birthday, since the shelter didn’t know when it was.” *smiles*
You all know what that smile does to me….
He then proceeds to flip the iphone housed in a metallic blue case around for me to see the picture and says,
“This is Echo”
My stare uncomfortably slinks down to take a look…..
It’s a Husky.
A beautiful, young, perfectly marked Husky.
It would be.
Probably the most beautiful dog on the planet – and the gorgeous, man of my dreams has one.
Thinking about it now, I wouldn’t imagine him to have chosen anything else.
He’s fucking beautiful…. And so is his dog.
I hate it here.

P.S. That was officially the last time I will see #hotboss.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

where I stood.

Sometimes love isn’t black and white.

I've had my fair share of relationships. Some were beautiful, and others were short lived and ultimately meaningless.

I've learned something from every single one of them, though... and I suppose that is the best thing one can hope to walk away with when it comes to a "past relationship".

Now, there is nothing I hate more than a liar. If you get cheated on, sure it hurts and makes you sick to the very pit of your insides – but if they are honest about it, I can respect that. However, when someone lies to your face? It’s simply insulting.

The nice thing is, liars always get caught.

My hatred for the cowards that refuse to speak the truth may come from my past… having been lied to several times. With that, I am, by no means, a “sucker”, nor was I blinded by love. Each time, in the back of my mind – I think I knew what was going on. Instinct tells you what feels right, and what doesn’t. It's an instinct we all possess – It’s just a matter of whether we decide to listen or not. Sometimes our heart is filled with a desire to block the truth out, while other times, it’s simply easier not to deal with the issue that’s staring you in the face.
But ignoring the issue simply isn’t worth it.
When you’re able to step outside the web of deceit, and look at situations with an open, unbiased, clear mind… the decisions and actions may not be easy, but they are inevitably necessary, and when the hazy delusions of love escape your soul – it is such a liberating feeling.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.- 1 Corinthians 13

Don’t get me wrong… everyone I have dated hasn’t “screwed me over”, and I am not bitter in any way towards any of my ex’s. I continue friendships, and keep in contact with them all.
Some of my relationships just simply weren't "right". And there is nothing wrong with realizing and accepting that, then moving on.

At this point in my life, I am content with being alone and I have never been so happy in my life.
I am free to choose.
I am free to love myself.
While there may not be such thing as a “perfect love” on this earth, I know what feels right, and what doesn’t…. and I choose to keep my heart open until I find it.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Smoke billows
Clouds curl
Dark and beautiful
Chasing the elusive precept
Uncontrolled simplicity
A captivating trance

Before sleep,
The disarray swirls
A classic warfare
Caught in the middle
Until the smoke fades
And the clouds roll out of sight

Monday, December 12, 2011

live life hard.


My life has been so crazy the past few weeks... hence the lack of posting.

I fell in love with Texas and have been working my hardest to get there.

This past weekend, after 2 phone interviews and a face to face with the Ops Manager of Michigan, the company flew me out, put me in a hotel, and finally offered me the job.

I couldn’t be more excited! It is such a great opportunity and my boss is amazing.

I just hope I like it, once I get there and the dream becomes a reality...

Lots of work to do… but I am excited, and once my life regulates itself a little bit – I will be back to posting as usual J


Early flight out of Michigan

Chicago was BEAUTIFUL

First sighting!

First landing in my new hometown!

Texas was sad to see me go...

That Texas sky...

Hello, Dallas

mmm the Texas sun. (Landing in Dallas)

Dallas airport. Ridiculous!

Huge badass poster at Chicago O Hare

Friday, December 2, 2011

A Child Called "It"

A Child Called “It”

By David Pelzer

Don’t even bother reading this review. Just get the book and sit down with it.

It is absolutely captivating. Everyone should read this.

So, if you read my last blog… I touched on the idea of words.

This book made me realize just how little words can truly express meaning if you’ve never experienced them in such context.

As I write this, my mind cannot grasp the best way to expound the magnitude of this story.

The book portrays the true story of David Pelzer’s life from the delicate ages of 4-12.

A drunk, enraged, pathetic, psychopathic mother who abuses him.

Abuse:  the physical, psychological, or sexual maltreatment of a person or animal.

Not the right word.

Not even close.

The “games” (as David refers to them in the book) that his mother plays, extend far beyond abuse. In the beginning, he feels his father may offer some hope and help. Quickly, David realizes he is alone in the helpless battle as his father, his hero, looks on and does nothing.

David uses words like: FEAR, Pain, Hunger, Cold, Food, Sleep, Exhausted, Weak, Alone.

No words will be able to express the real feelings he suffered. His feelings. What it really feels like to be so hungry, that as you take the garbage out at night you’re willing wipe cigarette ashes off the few salvageable bites of food you can find and scarf them down, … only to get caught and be “punished”. Or to eat out of the dog’s dish, after they get their fill. To not be allowed to sit or sleep, but merely allowed only to stand, alone in the basement – while the rest of your “family” eats dinner together upstairs at the table. To be so scared,… that you actually do stand. Even if it means you go to the bathroom as you hold your position.

Words can’t justify stories like this.

I can’t tell you about the "games", you know I will leave that for you to read. But I can tell you that my heart aches for children around the world living a similar story RIGHT NOW, as we go on about our daily lives, fat and happy.

Weakly put, it’s not fair. I will never, ever, be able to understand how someone could do that to their child. Your baby. To treat him as a slave. To not allow him clothes, or force him to wear the same tattered, dirty outfit every day to school. To not feed your child when he is hungry, or not offer him your embrace when he is sad, hurt, frightened, or lonely. It is a concept that erupts the purest form of rage within the bottom of my very being.

The things I take away from this book are Hope…and the strength of our minds. How far Hope and Faith can carry us. The notion that, however obvious or obscure: God will always prevail.

I say a special prayer for those who work diligently to fight for these children and save the lives of those tragically born into such a cruel life that no one deserves. For the victims who rise, and continue holding on to that shred of light, even when it seems so far out of reach. For the bodies that take a stand when they see something that isn’t right. For those who stood up for David, and saved his life.


“That day I vowed to myself that I would never, ever again give that bitch the satisfaction of hearing me beg her to stop beating me.”

“Layers of flesh were scraped away, while remaining parts were red and raw. I stood, staring into the sink, feeling how lucky I was to be alive.”

“With no dreams, I found words like hope and faith were only letters, randomly put together into something meaningless – words only for fairytales.”

“Inside, my soul became so cold I hated everything. I even despised the sun, for I knew I would never be able to play in its warm presence.”

“Mother’s words were no longer coming from the booze; they were coming from her heart.”

“… I bowed my head and with peace in my heart, I whispered, “… and deliver me from evil.” “Amen.””

Thursday, December 1, 2011

more than words



Are words really just words?

-    Honesty

-    Trust

-    Integrity

Is it how you choose to arrange them? Is it the context in which you decide to use them? or is it to whom you are speaking when you choose those words… that makes them significant?


There are all different types of them.

There is usually one similarity between them, though… they always believe that those they lie to won’t find out they’re full of shit.

Brutally shameless,

and selfish.

Fucking cowards.

Truth is,

You never really know someone.