Monday, October 31, 2011

Wasted




Wasted
- a memoir of anorexia and bulimia -

ByMarya Hornbacher




This book was good.

Marya describes her personal battle with bulimia and anorexia. Another eating disorder book, I know – but this is different than Wintergirls in the sense that this is a nonfiction book, and the events that occurred are coming from the mouth of the victim. The thing about the “victim” with eating disorders though, and Marya will admit (and does many times in the book), is that this victim is also the offender. A constant struggle within thyself. To live or die, eat or pass out, tell someone or continue living a lie.

It took me a few chapters to get into this book, but in those few chapters there were moments that Marya spoke so eloquently about the disorder and her experience that there was no way I could put it down. After getting to the guts of the plot, I was hooked. It was weird. For as beautiful of a writer as she is (and trust me, she is an amazing writer), it was hard to grasp the dark reality that was/is her life.  She is able to capture the two gripping sides of an eating disorder. The beauty of it, and the vile, raw truth that no one sees - because those are the things that are done in the most private of times.

In short, it was compelling. You read and read and read, and you root for her. You’re constantly thinking – how can you be so smart yet so ignorant? That’s the sickness. I can’t begin to describe how well this book is written. It’s such a TRUE portrayal of one girl’s familiarity with her ED. She doesn’t hold anything back, a strength for which I appreciated when reading fervently.

As you know, I can’t give anything away – but I will say Marya’s chronicles of her battle are so honest, and real, that you won’t be able to walk away without finding out what happens to her…

She got down in the range of - 50 pounds.

Its accounts like this where you realize how much the body is capable of enduring… and how fragile our bodies really are. Pushing limits, extremes. If you’re up for a nonfiction book, and don’t mind some truths that would make a handful sick to their stomachs… I would pick up Wasted.






Favorite Quotes:

“…lessons too few women learn: to love the thump of my steps, the implication of weight and presence and taking of space, to love my body’s rebellious hungers, responses to touch, … more than a brain attached to a bundle of bones.”

“For a long time, I believed the opposite of passion was death. I was wrong. Passion and death are implicit, one in the other. Past the border of a fiery life lies the netherworld.”

“I wanted to … Go to sleep. Go to a heaven where there was nothing but bathtubs and books.”

“Death by starvation is nasty.”

“… that life was but a dream and any sort of order in life was purely a product of the imagination and our minds were only a stage upon which perceptions played.”

“The loose ends are my body…the random half hearted kicking of my heart, wrinkled and shrunken as an apple rotting on the ground. The scars on my arms, the gray hair, the wrinkles… The immune system, trashed.”

“Never, never underestimate the power of desire.”

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Jumping Juniper

I was a huge skeptic about the Lush Shampoo bars. After trying it once, my mind had been made up.
I am now a huge fan of them.
Jumping Juniper shampoo bar says it’s meant for oily hair – hence the reason I bought it. I was hoping it would free my hair of the dreaded “second day grease build up” lol.
I actually thought I was going to LOVE the smell. I ordered it online, because of the claims Lush made about it drying up that grease! I got it, and when I used it – the smell is NOT impressive. It isn’t HORRIBLE, but it isn’t delightful either. It doesn’t “stick” in your hair – you won’t even smell it when your hair dries… but it was just kind of blah, as I used it….
The functionality of this shampoo bar – is a different story.
Talk about drying…. If you have grease issues, I would 110% recommend this shampoo bar. I thought I had oily hair… until I used this a few times in a row. It completely dried up my scalp, forcing me to buy Head and Shoulders for my newly acquired dandruff! Sounds sick, I know… but it proves my point that this shampoo bar does what it says it will do.
Now, I only pull out Jumping Juniper if I know it will be a long weekend where I won’t be able to wash my hair – or if I haven’t used it in a while, to keep the oil at bay.
Overall, I would only recommend this to anyone with really and I mean really oily hair….  For all of us others, you could use it as a “once in a while random” shampoo, or just try a different shampoo bar more suited to your needs. The smell isn’t worth buying if you don’t really need the oil control.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Revenge of the Nerds

Definitely one of my top ten best days at work ever yesterday.
It was the costume contest! We had a Halloween parade, pizza, and  each received bags full of treats.
I had to throw a PG rated costume together quickly... I thought we were going to be dressing up on Monday – so when I got the email that we would all be dressing up Friday, I was rampant to find a costume in time!
Here’s what I came up with...



Easy, and comfortable.
Nerds rule.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Sugar Scrub


I am kind of on the fence with this product. While the smell isn’t a “love” or “hate” for me (ginger and fennel), it did work well.
As you know I began tanning for vacation… Needless to say my spoiled skin isn’t used to another element drying it out, so I began peeling. Not because I was burnt, but because my skin was just so dry!
I decided it was time to bust out the exfoliants J
I instantly reached for the Lush Sugar Scrub – I’ve been dying for an excuse to try it!
I’ve heard of several different ways to use this scrub, but because of my intense desire to rid myself of the peeling, flaky (sick, I know) skin – I took the whole thing in the shower with me, and made a point NOT to get the actual scrub wet.
I wet my body and used it like a loofah. I simply scrubbed my body (extra in the peely spotsJ) with it, outside of the waters reach, and when I was done I set it outside the shower and finished my business.
It didn’t ruin the scrub and actually, I didn’t think it crumbled easily either. I didn’t realize it would last so long, or I would have used it sooner!
I will warn those that are sensitive to abrasive products – this scrub is no joke. It was very abrasive– which I liked it, because I knew it was doing its job (I also have Lush’s Rub Rub Rub – which is a much more gentle scrub option).
Overall, I think this is a great option for an exfoliant. It definitely does it's job, which is nice... Most exfoliants I purchase I don't actually see results. For around $6, It’s worth it for those who need a harsh exfoliant… but for the average consumer – the price may not be worth the need for it.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

crash into me

I’m tired lately. I think my insomnia is returning…
It makes for a very unmotivated, intolerant me.
I missed class this week, because I literally could not fathom mustering up the energy to go and sit for 3 hours to look at my classmate’s blurry, poorly composed pictures. I got a headache at the thought.
Torture.
It’s been rainy and cold here, and it’s hitting me that autumn is closing in and winter is lurking around the bend, ready to whoosh in it’s white wonderland any day now. I hate snow.
Also torture.
All I can say is thank GOD for my vacation next week… I hope it’s just what I need.
8 days left and I’m jumping out of my skin to  bathe in the hot Texas sun.
I’m also hoping it will lift my spirits… I think I’m approaching a “rut” – which needs to come to a halt. Immediately.

I have SO many ideas, and things I need/want to share...
... I promise I'll get better. 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

you choose



You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone, or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.


- David Harkins

Monday, October 24, 2011

Powershot

I had a great weekend. My favorite cousin came to visit me, and we had drinks, dinner, and caught up in buzzing detail about what's been going on in each other's lives.

BUT - the most exciting news - I finally got a new point and shoot.

Chico broke my old one, secretly I think I was happy about it becuase it meant I could get a new one :-P

I wanted the Nikon Coolpix s9100 but after getting it home and taking a few pictures with it - I was NOT impressed.

I took it back, decided to go with the Canon Powershot sx230 HS, and probably spent too much money on her - but boy, is she bad....



pictures from the bestbuy.com

She's not the prettiest in the bunch, but this camera can do SO much.
I'm taking her on vacation with me, so I will have plenty of pictures to share when I return!

I'm undecided about whether or not I should take my DSLR too, since this new compact camera has some minor manual setting options....

Sunday, October 23, 2011

bits and peaces



Chico and I have been listening to my ipod and the radio alot. He loves to sit RIGHT on the radio - like it's his own personal soundtrack or something! lol.

I'm addicted to painting lately. Not that I'm any good, but I find it's a great outlet for my wannabe-creative side... and it keeps be busy for a long time!



I decided to get a tanning membership (gasp!) for the month before I go to TX. I don't want a sunburn to ruin my trip - I want to enjoy the weather. I'm loving the glow I'm getting and this lotion I bought to use. It smells good, without being overbearing - and works amazingly well on my pale skin.

Also, it doesn't have bronzers in it (not a huge fan) so there's no streaking or worrying about the fuss of putting it on just right.


I'm also hooked on black nail polish this month. I go in spurts with black nail polish, but I think this month I'm loving it extra becuase of Halloween being just around the corner!


“Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life.”
             - Brian Andreas

(I also fell madly in love with the work of Brian Andreas. If you've never familiarized yourself with his work you should. I'm on a mission to buy every single one of his books!)

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Spooky Howls 2011

I mentioned in a previous post that each year my family and the Lupus Support Group from my hometown hosts a Pet Parade to raise awareness for Lupus. It is a small parade where you can enter your pets into a costume contest. This year we had the mayor of the town as a judge!

I wasn't able to attend this year, which really bummed me out because I wasn't able to take any pictures! My aunt did get to snap some shots, and my dad posted a blog about it here:

Iansteins Theory of Life: Pet Parade 2011

Check it out if you're interested in looking at of all the ADORABLE pets and their funny and interesting costumes... I had to share one: this one stole my heart. This apple costume is so cute -- that hat he wears is so darling :)

Friday, October 21, 2011

maybe i'm just too damn serious

You know we all play some sort of a game.
Some are worth it. Some probably aren’t.
Some are only to keep you entertained.
Some you don’t realize are games until the game is over.
But what if you’re tired of it?
What if you don’t want to play – ever again?
When is enough, enough?
When?...
He keeps the conversation light. Sexy. I know exactly what he wants.
But that is not what I want.
It is fun. A playful chemistry.
But when is enough, enough?
Is enough something you see written - possibly - read out of context?
Is enough a rhythmic bore of the same shit, different day?
Or do you call it enough when time after time, you find yourself in different, yet exactly the same predicament?
I think I’ve had it. I’ve had my share of hollow, heavy, attempts trying.
I’m just not into it anymore.
No thanks, I think enough is finally enough for me.
Until the next game begins, anyway.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

more than a princess



"Are you a princess? I said & she said I'm much more than a princess, but you don't have a name for it yet here on earth."
 - Brian Andreas

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

El Cantante

I wanted to share my latest rediscovered obsession. When this movie first came out, it wasn’t even an option not to buy it. I watched it on repeat, the same way I had done with many other movies resembling it. Then… life happens, new movies come out, and my love of ‘El cantante’ and the tragic story of Puerto Rican salsa singer H├ęctor Lavoe sat on the shelf collecting dust with my many other movies.
Last weekend my love was revived.

http://www.elcantante.net/

A friend and I had a typical lazy Sunday filled with snacks and movies. Randomly, this movie caught my eye and we popped it in.
I am not over exaggerating when I say this: I have watched it every single day since.
I guess I should confess. I have a slight lesbian crush on Jennifer Lopez J LOL - I always have. I just think she is stunningly beautiful!!! She is so amazing, and has accomplished SO much. My love started when I first seen her in Selena – another one of my all time favorite movies.
Marc Anthony plays Hector like no one else could. He is absolutely stellar. The combination of the two of these actors makes this movie hard to stop watching.
Hector’s life was extremely tragic. I won’t go into detail. You need to see this movie if you haven’t already.
Besides the fact that this is a true story, based on real events, and my favorite celebrity stars in it – The music alone is enough to make me watch. Marc Anthony’s renditions of the salsa classics are timeless. I’m actually thinking about purchasing the soundtrack: it’s that good.



If you couldn’t piece this together by now, I’m obsessed with the Latin world. I don’t know why, but I always have been, ever since I was younger. I minored in Spanish in college, and the only places I have ever really wanted to visit are all Spanish speaking. There is something about the language that puts my soul at ease, something about the food that satisfies me like nothing else, and something about the entire culture that makes me believe I was Latina in another lifetime – or I should have been born a Latina in this lifetime. It’s the one mistake I swear the universe made by accident.
I settle with listening to the music, eating the food, practicing the language with the resources I have available, and watching movies like ‘El cantante’ to keep my soul feeling fulfilled J


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

hail to the...

Last Friday was College Football day at the office. Well, University of Michigan or Michigan State day - in light of the HUGE rival game that took place Saturday.

OBVIOUSLY. This was a no brainer!


I wore my UofM sweatshirt from VS, skinny jeans, and my Nikes. I rocked my hair in a messy bun, with minimal makeup, only mascara, a sweep of blush, lip gloss, and a neutral eye.

Actually, I love this sweatshirt. I was so comfortable all day, and it was fun to see who was reppin' which team.

I'm not a huge sports fan... but I do love me some football :)

Yes, I know. Michigan lost. Let's not rub it in.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Untitled


"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free"
- Michelangelo


Sunday, October 16, 2011

autumn wonderland

Lately, I'm just not satisfied with my pictures. I don't know if I am lacking the motivation, inspiration, or technique.... but they all seem to be a let down.

I guess I just need to keep at it.
Practice makes Perfect.

These were from the day I took Chico out with me. I was shooting the geese across the pond, as I was walking away Chico had other plans. He flew off my shoulder and was headed STRAIGHT for the geese!

Thankfully he landed on a low branch in a nearby tree, but you can imagine how crazy I looked hollering his name and rushing over to follow him in a spastic frenzy! haha.
So embarassing.

Anyways, I took advantage of my little man in his "natural environment" and got a few shots of him as he tore up the few leaves and twig branches he could manage to get his beak on!







“ Which of my photographs is my favorite? The one I’m going to take tomorrow."
- Imogen Cunningham

Saturday, October 15, 2011

my big brave boy


I love my bird. I really do.




He makes me smile, laugh, and never fails to lift my spirits if I'm having an "off" day....


But boy, is he weird...


· Surfs on my towel when I put my hair up after I shower… then he completely stops surfing if I take it off of my head and put it on the table/ground/ etc.

· Snuggles like a dog LITERALLY. in my bed - he nuzzles up to my neck and SLEEPS.

· Dances - to music, or just when he gets happy :) and whistles... whistles like a madman!

· Picky eater – He loves butter. yes, plain. I do NOT give this to him, but if he could eat it straight from the tub, he would. same with Ranch dressing and mayonaise! ewww!

· Flips upside down – to get attention in his cage. I call it showing off, or his 'monkey pose'. It's so funny to watch him to this. I will put him away, and immediately he runs over and flips on his back!

· Licks the salt off my fingers - another werid habit he has, that i do NOT let him do. Crazy bird.
· Hops - when he wants to get somewhere fast, but doesn't want to fly.

· Flies certain places and sometimes, then won’t fly at other times - just like a person, I think he simply gets too "lazy"  ... although I would think that flying would be alot easier than WALKING when you're a BIRD!
despite all the quirks and the time and attention he requires, he's still my big brave boy and i love heem, love heem :)



Friday, October 14, 2011

a sequence of illusions

It started with his arms around me, holding me close. I could feel the warmth of his chest and the hard gaze of his light green eyes as they bore down on me. “I want to get you out of here. I would take you; if you would let me… we could go here” he said, reaching around my body and pointing to the globe that I was mindlessly spinning on the nightstand. He pointed to the Netherlands. I quickly flipped my body around to face him, feeling the sheets graze across my naked skin. “Really?” I questioned, as I looked up and smiled at a solid man whom I knew inside and out. He had been there forever, you see. Previously, we had our share of “non-committal” flings and hookups – with others and with each other – but this was the first time he felt as if he actually had a legitimate chance at being with the girl of his dreams… me. So it seemed he was taking full advantage of every moment he could. We laughed, talked and held each other until a dark, blackness filled the scene.
I was in a different room, a different place. Colder, yet more inviting somehow. The room was dark, as it had been before… but everything else had changed. The bed was no longer on the right side of the room. It was now on the left. I could see a door straight ahead, closed. There was no nightstand, no globe, and no green eyes drinking me in. More importantly there was no emptiness; the emptiness I had been unaware of inside myself was now filled up with warm happiness. A real happiness. The smile I was wearing was not a forced, manufactured smile – but an authentic one that I felt throughout my entire being. It was then that I realized what I was smiling about.
There he was. I looked down into my lap, and my sweet lover was resting his head, arms wrapped around my lower body. His eyes were closed. So peaceful.
Breathtaking.
The same thing happened then, that happens most times I am able to exist in the same moment with him. My mind only remembers bits and pieces. . . I remember the soft light from the window falling upon his exposed upper body, the lines of his arms and neck. I remember the way his arms felt wrapped around my small torso. The weight of his head in my lap. I remember not touching him, in fear that if he woke he would disappear and this would end too soon.
I remember the scent of his fuzzy hair.
But mostly, I remember being happy.
The door suddenly burst open on my sweet utopia. My worst nightmare walked in. The man I so dearly loved, but was not in love with. The man I had just been with, in another room, another place, another time. Those same light green eyes bore into me. I recognized the passion in them, although this was a different kind of passion than they carried before; a kind I had never witnessed from him. My heart felt dizzy, and my head was numb as I flashed a glimpse down at my lovers face. His chocolate eyes met mine, and I felt my insides melt as they had a million times before. He grounded me. Nothing else mattered. He was the one. The only one. As I found the strength to realign my eyes ahead of me… everything went fuzzy and all I could hear were short bursts of accusations: “She was just with me”, “She doesn’t love you”, “She’s lying to you!” Taylor!?!”….
By this time my chocolate eyed lover was no longer in my lap. I could feel the distance between him and myself expanding as he silently listened.
I was breathing heavy, lost. My mind was racing, I couldn’t lose him. Not yet. This couldn’t be over. Not yet. I stood up. I had to do something.
So I lied.
I said evil things, and denied any and all accusations of being with anyone other than the one man I loved with every part of me imaginable. I lied. I let every raging, dishonest detail explode out of my mouth until I heard his heart break…. Then I fell silent. The green eyed man who had once made promises  to love me forever, and take me away – my white knight – turned his back on me as he walked out of the room, ending the last chapter in the book of us, with the muted click of a door closing.
My heart ached, but I instictually and gracefully walked back to the love of my life, and situated myself in a pleading position next to him. He obliged, and for the second time that night, wrapped his familiar arms around my body, and squeezed me closer to him. He gently laid his head on my chest as I smiled contently into the night. He was mine. It was all I could do, to hold his head, drink in the aroma of his hair, lock to memory the texture of his skin, and stare at the closed door in the soft moonlight.



Thursday, October 13, 2011

so hard



Imma rock this sh*t like fashion hasn't...

'Hard' Rihanna

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

get up, stand up

Had to share... sometimes working downtown is INSANE.

You see the craziest things, and always seem to encounter the most random people.

Today while I was at lunch all of a sudden I hear:

"WHO ARE WE?"

"DE-MO-CRA-CY!"

"WHO ARE WE?"

"DE-MO-CRA-CY!"

yeah.

I look over - and there is this HUUUUUGE line of people with signs and banners and masks and weird outfits on! I couldn't believe this was happening on a Wed. afternoon...

Then again, I don't know why it surprised me.

Anyways, I managed to get a picture on my phone as the line was coming to and end. I wish I could carry my camera with me everywhere without looking completely bonkers :)

It was an odd site, but I had to commend them for standing up and doing something about whatever it was they were so desperately trying to prove.

san antonio. spurs.

“We are “spur of the moment” people … we just never “spur”!”

That’s what my best friend said to me years and years ago. It was one of those things that – reflecting back – uses slightly dumb logic , but at the time we laughed SO hard our bellies ached. One of those lines that just kind of stuck. We still quote that to each other from time to time, insisting we do enjoy life and all of the adventures it has to offer – but somehow we find ourselves wrapped in the content bliss that is our own little world.
I’m still working on that…
Two weeks ago, a friend of mine from high school contacted me (I hadn’t talked to him – besides the occasional “how are you” via facebook) and told me he was going to fly me out to Texas to see him. Of course, only if I would oblige.
could I say no?
I suppose I could have. But that would be another “non-spur”, ...another opportunity turned down, and another experience eluded from my fingertips.

Plus, I want to take pictures.
So – I am excited to announce my vacation this year will be to a small town in Texas, with a fun guy I haven’t seen in ages.
I’m flying into San Antonio.
I’m pretty pumped.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

why do you cry?

I miss her. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow.
Life must move forward.
I have to push through the bad days.
Some days, every inch of my body wants to let the sadness seep through my pores.
Some days I don’t allow myself to think about details.
Some days it doesn’t matter what I do, the cruel reality consistently slaps me in the face.
I have to push through the bad days.
Even though she is gone, my life is moving forward.
A future.
My future.
An only child…
No sister to run to when I get engaged,
Married,
Kids.
Funny … those aren’t the things (yet) that hurl me into my blackouts.
It’s driving home without her on a sunny day, walking around the mall, lazy Sunday afternoons, inside jokes, rude banter, spicy potatoes, friday nights and saturday mornings, and not having someone there who understands me.
Triggers.
Bad days.
I miss my best friend.
Bad days.
She never escapes my mind.
Bad days.
I have to push through the bad days...
Head up.
Left.
Right.
In.
Out.
Forward.


One day at a time.
R.I.P. Little sister. I miss you and love you so very, very much.


Monday, October 10, 2011

revenge is sweet...

So a handful of my girlfriends and I started watching the new 'Revenge' show a few weeks ago. We DVR it (because we are too old to stay up until 11pm on a Wed night lol) and watch it on Thursdays at 8pm. Every week someone brings a dessert. Last week it was apples with caramel and chocolate dipping sauces. This week, our 'baker' friend made a chocolate chip cookie pie. yes. it was amazing.

I guess I should start practicing my baking skills, for when it's my week! ah!

Halloween decorations were in full swing when I got over to the house. She had decorations that were SO darling! I was glad I brought my camera :)






I lick the gun
when I'm done
cuz I know that revenge is sweet

Rihanna 'Russian Roulette'

Sunday, October 9, 2011

P.S. I love you

I feel like blogging, and the only thing I can think of to blog about is a somewhat recent encounter with a certain someone - for the sake of this post - we will call: #hotboss

Now, since day one at my job #hotboss stole my attention. I would get nervous when he would come over and talk to my actual boss and me, shying away from being too boisterous, too docile, too anything that would turn him away. I was always painfully aware of his presence when he would confidently walk over to “my side” of the building.

Then he switched departments and left the small office I so frequently visited, my sole purpose most times to get an opportunity for a brief conversation with him. I tried my best to “play it cool”, flashing my sweet smile, aligning myself so his eyes would capture my body at it's best angle. Just when I thought him and I had established (what I would call) a decent “acquaintance” - They moved him to the 3rd floor.

Just my luck.

By this time, my boss had quit her position and I was the new full-timer they replaced her with. This worked to my advantage because I had lots of questions, so it provided me the opportunity to run happily upstairs and allow #hotboss to show off his abundant knowledge answering my silly questions. Of course, he flatters me in an email with a response like “Are you kidding – you’ve learned extremely quickly!” – Instantly making me feel better, less ridiculous.

Anyways, I will try to get to the point. We went to a few movies – JUST as friends – nothing more. We met at the theater (except once), bought our own tickets (except once), and when the movie would end we would rapidly discuss our thoughts and views as we walked out into the warm streets of downtown, me lagging, trying to keep this beautiful man in my presence for as long as the universe would let me.

So a few weeks ago, the best weekend of my life, I referred to it as in a previous post… I texted him after work on Friday and asked if he was up for a movie. He replied and said he had tickets to the U of M game, and asked if I was interested…

It was like the angels wrote a song just for me.

Of course I told him yes, and the plan was he was going to pick me up at 8am to make time for the drive(yesssss – I was going to get a 2 hour car ride with him, there and back!) we would go, grab lunch, watch the game, then head back.

Little did I know ….


That night (Friday) I get a phone call from him at 1am. Earlier, when discussing plans for Saturday, he told me he was going to try and get a hold of some friends and see if anyone was tailgating. Therefore, I thought he was calling to tell me we were leaving earlier than planned because of this…
Well, my “#soulmate” – as a joke, I had started referring to him as my #soulmate when talking to my mom – was hammered. I could tell, by the sound of his voice that he was in *rare form* (as he put it the next day). Anyways, we randomly talked for 10 minutes or so before he started letting the word vomit spew: “Come takkke carrre of me” “Come overrrrr” “You need to come over, we can watch a movie!... I need someone to take carrrre of mmme” "I need youuu to takee carre offmee “Come here - so I donnn’t have to come there in the morning.  We can just leaveee frmm herrre”
I knew he was drunk. I knew he was making excuses, and he just wanted me over there. Maybe deep down I knew it was anyone that he wanted over, not me specifically. But for one night – I allowed myself to feel like the angels had opened the gates and were showing me the beginnings to a cobblestone road that I would ride on the rest of my life.
Dramatic, but that’s honestly how I felt.
I walk into his house and immediately he welcomes me with that warm melty smile and wraps me in a solid, air tight hug.

that g*ddamn smile.

He had his bed set up on the couch (we had discussed that if I came over, I got the bed, while he got the couch). And as a true test of willpower (for me) he was in his “jammies” which included – pajama bottoms, no shirt, and fuzzy hair.
What was I going to do with this boy…
Nothing… he fell asleep on the couch. BUT - not before he professed how he thought I had an amazing body, that he was indeed attracted to me and how he thought my "smile brightens a room". Was it game? Honestly, for as darling as he is... I dont think he has much game. But either way, I devoured it. My breath hung on every word as my dreams came to life in a matter of moments. After he fell asleep, I silently slipped out of his arms and crawled into my #soulmates bed carrying a smile…. It was as if I had just lived out a welcomed recurring dream.
6am. Time for me to get up, shower, and get ready for the big game.
Nope. I woke him up – as gently as possible – and he told me to lay back down, as he guided me into his room. We laid down and my #hotboss and #soulmate turned into #snugglebutt. We snuggled for well over an hour before actually falling asleep.
And let me tell you… I am much too chickensh*t to start any of this myself, ok? This was all him. After our“nap” … still half asleep.. we snuggle juuust a bit more…then (this part is sort of a blur to me, I was so elated I think I was literally “high on life”) – He leans over and kisses me.
Me
My world stopped.
I was rendered defenseless.
Not a nasty, raunchy make out session. But a romantic, sweet, morning wake-up entanglement that you see in the movies.
I'm not kidding.
He was obviously hung over, so he opted out of the 2 hour drive and loud football game, for a quiet, nap-filled-pizza-eating- day watching the game at my house. As sweet as it was that he spent the day with me, he was very stand offish. I knew he felt sick, and honestly – probably a little embarrassed. Needless to say, before he left, he apologized for “what happened” and if I “misconstrued his actions”. We “work together, and I would never date someone I work with”.




It’s ok. You only created, and crushed my *entire world* in less than 24 hours.

I forgive you.


Saturday, October 8, 2011

City of Glass


City of Glass
by Cassandra Clare
(Third book in the Mortal Instruments series)



The third book was good. I won’t say it was “amazing” or anything that hovers above average. Now, I was very excited to jump into this book. I literally started it the same night I finished the second book. That excitement lasted for a short time. Personally, it just started to feel like the author was dragging the story on and on. It almost got to the point where I was skimming through paragraphs because I could follow the plot without actually reading.
However, the elaborated storyline was worth it – at least.  This was the book where the climax of the entire story is reached. There is a battle with surprising deaths, hookups, awakenings, and changes. The last quarter of the book made it worth it. Finally – a resolution.
I say, if you’ve gotten this far in the series, there’s no way you’re just going to *stop* reading now – right?
One more book to go.
I have NO idea what it is going to be about. This third book seemed to answer most of my questions.
**In fairness to the other books awaiting my grasp ever so patiently, I am going to put the fourth book on hold for now. Not that I lack the curiosity and intrigue to see where the Mortal Instruments world takes me – I can’t wait to see where Cassandra Clare takes this seemingly “finished” story.  It won’t be long… and I will be back in Alicante to figure out what Clary’s future holds…


Favorite Quotes:

"It's like having just a little bit of a drug - it only makes you want more."

"Oh yes, I know the way to heaven was easy.
We found the little kingdom of our passion
That can all share who walk the road of lovers.
In wild and secret happiness we stumbled;
And gods and demons clamoured in our senses.
-Siegfried Sassoon, "The Imperfect Lover""

"I loved you, so I drew these tides of men into my hands
and unwrote my will across the sky in stars.
-T.E. Lawrence"

"I can't untie myself from you... -not my heart or my blood or my mind or any other part of me. And I don't want to."

"... and I knew I wanted to live, wanted it more than I'd ever wanted anything, if only so that I could see your face one more time."

Friday, October 7, 2011

entertain us.

I realized this week I forgot to share some of the other motion shots...







"Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us"
Nirvana 'Smells like teen spirit'

no sleep till brooklyn

A walk to the park on Tuesday night allowed me to return to the wall I had seen numerous times in my years of being a "college kid".

Funny how your mind remembers things differently as time passes.

Anyways, as of late I've been witnessing (within myself) a slight fascination with color. It could be that the trees are shedding their leaves thus providing all, with the opportunity to witness them at their climax of vibrancy. Whatever it is, I can't get enough.




“Colour is my day-long obsession, joy and torment.”

Claude Monet
French Impressionist Painter, 1840-1926

Thursday, October 6, 2011

the boy of summer

For as much as I adore the autumn season, saying goodbye to summer is disheartening this year. Of course, saying goodbye to the warm weather is always hard – but this year I had such a resonating, genuinely “happy” few months of summer that I am torn between looking back at those beautiful summer nights, and looking forward to my love of fall and my unyielding curiosity to what lies in store for me.
I will miss pool volleyball and cold light beers on muggy nights. Fireworks and flares on the lake with my hood pulled tight so as to prevent the wind from tangling my hair. Late night cigarettes on the patio, some good music, some bad. Strong coffee in the morning, and feeling “domestic” as I cut up tomatoes in the beautiful kitchen. I will remember feeling appreciated, and wanted. Special. I will remember being excited for something unknown. Feeling young. Late night run to McDonalds, renting too many movies to possibly be watched in one night. Laughing. Teasing. Playing. I will remember melting into those tired eyes as I wake. I will remember the stolen kisses and the youthful spirit he pulled out of me.
These mental possessions I was blessed to acquire over the beautiful, 3 month duration that is summer, I will try to keep close to me as my life draws the curtain for the next act to begin.

"Morning babe"


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